Romantic Relationships
04.27.08 (1:43 pm) [edit]
Fight the pedestal.
Today we’re going to talk about tragedy. What a downer, but it’s gotta be done.
We’re going to talk about The Tragedy of the Self-Defeating Man. Catchy title, this might not be so bad.
Something that tends to happen with ALL men – and especially those who haven’t had as much success with women – is they get stuck on ONE woman.
I don’t mean they get trapped in a monogamous relationship that is unhealthy. That’s a different newsletter.
Today, we’re going to talk about the man who never GETS to the romantic level with a woman. And it drives him batty. It makes him try even HARDER to get her, and he’ll try again and again until she can’t stand the thought of him.
It’s a natural reaction. Humans hate rejection. Faced with one, NOTHING feels better than reversing it. We get into a competition with whatever man we imagine she’s waiting for, and we’re NOT going to lose.
And I think of baseball.
In baseball, unlike most other sports, you need to be relaxed to succeed. You can’t be too concerned about any one at bat, or you literally choke the bat. You lose your fluidness, you lose your rhythm, you tense up, and you wind up choking yourself.
Women are the same way. If you strike out, the WORST thing you can do is try NOT to strike out again. The BEST thing you can do is take your next at-bat like you would in a batting cage. Relaxed and allowing your swing to be natural.
Ok, this metaphor has gone too far. Let’s get back to simple reality.
When a guy fails to get romantic with a woman he’s attracted to and he becomes MORE determined to get her, he winds up suffocating her with attention. He chases her, and what do we do when we’re chased?
We run away.
Worse, the woman gets built up in the guy’s mind to this elusive perfect creature, and the rejection sting just gets WORSE the more time and thought he puts into her. He feels MORE attraction, and the more he feels, the farther away she runs.
Enough tragedy, let’s get healthy.
First, the woman is almost CERTAINLY not as great as you think she is. You start off attracted physically, but the more beautiful women you meet, the more you realize they are as screwed up as everyone else. Sometimes more, because they wind up with a skewed view of the world because of their beauty.
What’s more, people always try to put their best foot forward when first meeting someone, and you can wind up with a more positive image than the complete reality warrants.
Combine your pedestal view of the woman with the need to overcome rejection and the forbidden fruit, you wind up with an unhealthy obsession that just drives the woman away and makes you miserable.
You can know all this and still do it, so you need to remind yourself often.
A woman who is attractive, intelligent, sane, and has her life together is REALLY rare. You can date a different woman every night for a year and not find one. And you CERTAINLY aren’t going to know if the current woman you are interested in is one of these rare creatures until you’ve spent a LOT of time with her.
And you’ll NEVER find out if you spend all your time chasing her away.
The solution? RELAX. Let go of love-at-first-sight dreams – if it happens, then there won’t be any rejections to worry about anyway. MOST of the time we’re dealing with lust-at-first-sight, and we get confused about it as other emotions push us into pursuit.
When a woman isn’t interested, the healthiest thing you can do for BOTH of you is to say that most powerful word, you know the one, all together now:
NEXT.
Forcing yourself on a woman NEVER works. It doesn’t have to be the creepy afternoon special forcing yourself either, just PUSHING too hard is a major turn-off.
You need to remember that the girl you’re thinking about, most likely, ISN’T as special as you think. There are PLENTY of others out there, and plenty of THEM WILL be interested in you.
Why waste your time on one who isn’t?
The best thing you can do is go out and meet tons of women. As you have more success you’ll get a better grasp of what kinds of women are out there. You’ll also start to realize that, as perfect as one might seem at first, rarely does that impression last forever.
IF you’ve been out with numerous women AND you’re seeing one who seems like everything you’ve ever wanted AND you still think that after months of dating, great. You’ve found her.
But UNTIL you’ve done that, you really can’t know. So let that logical brain supercede the emotional one and realize your early impressions AREN’T THAT ACCURATE.
That’s no fault of yours. You just don’t have enough data points to really know who she is.
But while this is all very logical, it doesn’t really help the EMOTIONAL aspect, which almost always rules us humans no matter how much we try to argue it down.
So the key is to AVOID THE EMOTIONAL from the get-go. Stop yourself from prematurely getting emotionally involved.
Learn to say NEXT from the beginning. Don’t look at each new woman you meet as a potential ANYTHING except a learning experience. When you finally DO meet a woman who meets your highest expectations, you’ll know it’s REAL because she had to convince you.
If you stop yourself from getting emotionally attached, it’s much easier to let a woman who’s not interested go.
Once you’re emotionally invested, it’s tough to let go, even if you KNOW that it’s based on nothing but your own WANT and has nothing to do with her.
You want an exercise, do you? Ok, here’s an easy one. The next five women you are attracted to, talk to them. Establish rapport. Do everything you would do if you wanted to create attraction.
And then let her go. DON’T pursue her at all, don’t get a number, just take mental notes of what works well and what doesn’t, so you can use it in future interactions. Which should happen in the same frame – each approach is just practice for the next.
Oddly enough, you’ll find that nonchalance has an ENCHANTING affect on women, and you might have some start to show a lot of interest in you.
Refuse them! That’s right, I’m telling you to turn down sex, if it comes to that. I’m an evil evil sensei.
If one winds up so desperate that you just can’t help it, then when you progress romantically, remember that YOU are doing HER the favor. You’re breaking a disciplined practice to satiate this begging lady.
What a gallant guy you are, eh?
Carry this attitude around, and you should be able to avoid the irrational attachment to the ones who get away. No more tragedy. Hello happy aesthetic life full of women who want to be near you. Instead of YOU chasing THEM and driving them away, you want to get THEM chasing YOU.
All it takes is changing the frame of your interactions. Don’t chase. They’ll be so surprised – all men chase these attractive women – that they’ll wind up intrigued and, eventually, they WILL chase you.
And that’s when you can get picky.
Maybe I’m not such an evil sensei after all.
REMEMBER, you aren’t going to know what a woman is really like on that first meeting. Unless you study psychology, communication and hidden behavior in-depth, the best foot forward and the real foot back are just too different to be seen immediately.
Of course, you CAN pick my brain, as I’ve done a lot of study and I can pass on some of what I’ve learned. You can find my analyses in my books, found on seduction science. In addition, you’ll learn other ways to help you say NEXT, including confidence-building and positive-loop exercises that get your head in the right place when you are first meeting women. Check it out. Until next time.
Derek Vitalio
Today we’re going to talk about tragedy. What a downer, but it’s gotta be done.
We’re going to talk about The Tragedy of the Self-Defeating Man. Catchy title, this might not be so bad.
Something that tends to happen with ALL men – and especially those who haven’t had as much success with women – is they get stuck on ONE woman.
I don’t mean they get trapped in a monogamous relationship that is unhealthy. That’s a different newsletter.
Today, we’re going to talk about the man who never GETS to the romantic level with a woman. And it drives him batty. It makes him try even HARDER to get her, and he’ll try again and again until she can’t stand the thought of him.
It’s a natural reaction. Humans hate rejection. Faced with one, NOTHING feels better than reversing it. We get into a competition with whatever man we imagine she’s waiting for, and we’re NOT going to lose.
And I think of baseball.
In baseball, unlike most other sports, you need to be relaxed to succeed. You can’t be too concerned about any one at bat, or you literally choke the bat. You lose your fluidness, you lose your rhythm, you tense up, and you wind up choking yourself.
Women are the same way. If you strike out, the WORST thing you can do is try NOT to strike out again. The BEST thing you can do is take your next at-bat like you would in a batting cage. Relaxed and allowing your swing to be natural.
Ok, this metaphor has gone too far. Let’s get back to simple reality.
When a guy fails to get romantic with a woman he’s attracted to and he becomes MORE determined to get her, he winds up suffocating her with attention. He chases her, and what do we do when we’re chased?
We run away.
Worse, the woman gets built up in the guy’s mind to this elusive perfect creature, and the rejection sting just gets WORSE the more time and thought he puts into her. He feels MORE attraction, and the more he feels, the farther away she runs.
Enough tragedy, let’s get healthy.
First, the woman is almost CERTAINLY not as great as you think she is. You start off attracted physically, but the more beautiful women you meet, the more you realize they are as screwed up as everyone else. Sometimes more, because they wind up with a skewed view of the world because of their beauty.
What’s more, people always try to put their best foot forward when first meeting someone, and you can wind up with a more positive image than the complete reality warrants.
Combine your pedestal view of the woman with the need to overcome rejection and the forbidden fruit, you wind up with an unhealthy obsession that just drives the woman away and makes you miserable.
You can know all this and still do it, so you need to remind yourself often.
A woman who is attractive, intelligent, sane, and has her life together is REALLY rare. You can date a different woman every night for a year and not find one. And you CERTAINLY aren’t going to know if the current woman you are interested in is one of these rare creatures until you’ve spent a LOT of time with her.
And you’ll NEVER find out if you spend all your time chasing her away.
The solution? RELAX. Let go of love-at-first-sight dreams – if it happens, then there won’t be any rejections to worry about anyway. MOST of the time we’re dealing with lust-at-first-sight, and we get confused about it as other emotions push us into pursuit.
When a woman isn’t interested, the healthiest thing you can do for BOTH of you is to say that most powerful word, you know the one, all together now:
NEXT.
Forcing yourself on a woman NEVER works. It doesn’t have to be the creepy afternoon special forcing yourself either, just PUSHING too hard is a major turn-off.
You need to remember that the girl you’re thinking about, most likely, ISN’T as special as you think. There are PLENTY of others out there, and plenty of THEM WILL be interested in you.
Why waste your time on one who isn’t?
The best thing you can do is go out and meet tons of women. As you have more success you’ll get a better grasp of what kinds of women are out there. You’ll also start to realize that, as perfect as one might seem at first, rarely does that impression last forever.
IF you’ve been out with numerous women AND you’re seeing one who seems like everything you’ve ever wanted AND you still think that after months of dating, great. You’ve found her.
But UNTIL you’ve done that, you really can’t know. So let that logical brain supercede the emotional one and realize your early impressions AREN’T THAT ACCURATE.
That’s no fault of yours. You just don’t have enough data points to really know who she is.
But while this is all very logical, it doesn’t really help the EMOTIONAL aspect, which almost always rules us humans no matter how much we try to argue it down.
So the key is to AVOID THE EMOTIONAL from the get-go. Stop yourself from prematurely getting emotionally involved.
Learn to say NEXT from the beginning. Don’t look at each new woman you meet as a potential ANYTHING except a learning experience. When you finally DO meet a woman who meets your highest expectations, you’ll know it’s REAL because she had to convince you.
If you stop yourself from getting emotionally attached, it’s much easier to let a woman who’s not interested go.
Once you’re emotionally invested, it’s tough to let go, even if you KNOW that it’s based on nothing but your own WANT and has nothing to do with her.
You want an exercise, do you? Ok, here’s an easy one. The next five women you are attracted to, talk to them. Establish rapport. Do everything you would do if you wanted to create attraction.
And then let her go. DON’T pursue her at all, don’t get a number, just take mental notes of what works well and what doesn’t, so you can use it in future interactions. Which should happen in the same frame – each approach is just practice for the next.
Oddly enough, you’ll find that nonchalance has an ENCHANTING affect on women, and you might have some start to show a lot of interest in you.
Refuse them! That’s right, I’m telling you to turn down sex, if it comes to that. I’m an evil evil sensei.
If one winds up so desperate that you just can’t help it, then when you progress romantically, remember that YOU are doing HER the favor. You’re breaking a disciplined practice to satiate this begging lady.
What a gallant guy you are, eh?
Carry this attitude around, and you should be able to avoid the irrational attachment to the ones who get away. No more tragedy. Hello happy aesthetic life full of women who want to be near you. Instead of YOU chasing THEM and driving them away, you want to get THEM chasing YOU.
All it takes is changing the frame of your interactions. Don’t chase. They’ll be so surprised – all men chase these attractive women – that they’ll wind up intrigued and, eventually, they WILL chase you.
And that’s when you can get picky.
Maybe I’m not such an evil sensei after all.
REMEMBER, you aren’t going to know what a woman is really like on that first meeting. Unless you study psychology, communication and hidden behavior in-depth, the best foot forward and the real foot back are just too different to be seen immediately.
Of course, you CAN pick my brain, as I’ve done a lot of study and I can pass on some of what I’ve learned. You can find my analyses in my books, found on seduction science. In addition, you’ll learn other ways to help you say NEXT, including confidence-building and positive-loop exercises that get your head in the right place when you are first meeting women. Check it out. Until next time.
Derek Vitalio
Check out Derek Vitalio material:
- Derek Vitalio Seduction Newsletter
- Get The Girlfriend
- Blissnosis Master Program
- Seduction Archetypes
- Seduction Science, 3rd Edition
- Seduction Science eBook
- Deep Inner Game Series
Don’t Go Dating and Get Laid
04.27.08 (1:40 pm) [edit]
Let me explain. If you’re conversing with a girl and everything is going well, LEAD her somewhere. It can just be across the room, but LEADING is a powerful thing. More than you’d ever guess. Say “Hey, I want to show you something.” Or “I want to tell you something.” Take her hand – if she returns a squeeze you know you’re in – and then have a little nugget ready to legitimize your leading. It can be a silly prop you carry with you, or a charming line you’ve worked out, just make sure it isn’t TOO corny. Be the good boy scout we all know you are, and be prepared for this. By the way, if you’ve made out a little by this point, that’s a teeny help. As you might imagine. If you feel a little strange doing this leading, then get her ready to accept it. How? Get her saying yes. “Do you like to have fun?” “Yes.” “Are you adventurous?” “Yes.” “I don’t show everyone this, but want to see something special?” “Yes!” That was easy, wasn’t it? People tend to feed off patterns, and if you get her agreeing with you, her natural tendency will be to continue. By comparison, you don’t want to ask too many negative questions. “You aren’t a weirdo, are you?” “No!” “You don’t fly off the handle easily, do you?” “I don’t think so.” “Want to see something?” “Uhh, not really.” That exchange makes sense too – just not the kind of sense we want to make. So get her saying yes, and take her to another part of wherever you are – a corner of the club, a table at the bar, a desk at the library. Use physical contact – but slightly undefined. You don’t want to be a schoolmarm about it, but you don’t want to be a lounge lizard either. You don’t want her knowing exactly WHAT it is. Then, keep going with STEPS. Your goal shouldn’t be to get her in bed, you should try to simply get her to the next STEP. If you say “Let’s ditch the losers you’re hanging out with and have sex in my Chevy,” well, that might work with a few (VERY drunk) women, but for the most part, that ain’t gonna work. Call it a hunch. The woman wants to feel that the progression is natural… she wants to be able to tell her girlfriends later “I don’t know how… but it just worked. It just… happened!” Small steps feel natural. Sexual propositions in the first five minutes do not. So once you’ve led her somewhere, lead her again. Take her to a new venue – you don’t need to separate her from her group, nor do you need to diss your buds. You simply need to go somewhere new TOGETHER. Congratulations. You just reframed the world, and now you’re in it together. Instead of a serious deliberation of whether she wants to go out with you, and her judging the way you play with your jello, you’ve created a bond with her. And you’ve done it in a natural way. MUCH better. Next step? Well, usually one place hasn’t cemented the bond, so a second stop is often in order. As the night goes on friends will peel away, but if you’ve created attraction in your target, she won’t. Yeah, maybe she really DOES have to be up at 4 am to pick up her sister at the airport. Mostly, though, those are just excuses if she’s having second thoughts about the NATURAL progression of the evening. It’s your job to create enough sparks that she will convince herself to stay with you, even if she DOES have a sister coming in on the red-eye. If the attraction is there, sleep becomes secondary. Next, you need to get her to your place. Some guys like to “need” a ride since their friends have left earlier, or some like to offer one. Personally, I like to use her car, since it sets you up to arrive at your pad first. Earlier in the evening, you should have planted a seed excuse to get her inside. Perhaps you’ve talked music and there’s a CD she should borrow… or there’s the video clip you simply must show her… or you could just say “This is fun, let’s keep talking”… whatever it is, it needs to be INSIDE. By this point in the evening, if you’re expecting to get further, you should have already been physically intimate, probably at the first spot where you met. If you have, once you’ve got her in your dwelling, it should be an easy transition into some serious lurve. If you haven’t laid the physical groundwork, this can be much more difficult, but it’s still possible. She’ll probably be hesitant to come in (pre-kiss, you’re an assault risk, post-kiss, you’re a guy she’s physically attracted to) but if she does, that probably means she wants to keep going. This is NOT an excuse to force yourself on the lady. There is NEVER a time that is appropriate… outside SM play, anyway. That’s not about attraction or sexiness. If you’ve got the chemistry going, she’ll WANT to keep going… and if she doesn’t, that usually means you simply need to step back and build up the sexual tension to a good level. Get her on the bed. Give her a taste of that massage technique you talked about earlier… that shirt sure does get in the way, doesn’t it? Let’s get rid of that… can you see where this is going? The important thing is to take everything step by step, making sure she is comfortable at each stop along the way, and most importantly, feeling ATTRACTION. Otherwise, you’ll never make it up the ladder. If you HAVE got the attraction happening, though, and lead her up a gradual slope with the pinnacle in your bedroom, you’ve just found the way to skip the date and get to the good stuff. This applies even if it doesn’t occur in a single night – when you meet a woman, you should avoid date situations, and instead go with “I’m doing this, why don’t you come too?” That kind of attitude ALWAYS beats “I’d like to take you out sometime.” Do it right, and you’ll be able to choose whatever approach you prefer, from pursuing the one night stand to carefully screening the women who MIGHT experience the joy of your bed over a few meetings. Pick your pleasure. Just steer clear of traditional dates. Unless your goal is an improbable marriage to someone who, for all you know, could be a virgin. Lord knows you’ve never touched her. If that’s your goal, by the way, stop reading and burn your computer now. If your goal is to meet a LOT of women and pick one (or more) who are right for you, then keep studying, grasshopper. The above wisdom is useful, but without the proper tools and knowing how to create interpersonal magic with ladies as you choose, it’s a nice dream, is all. If you want to know more about how to create that ATTRACTION and move from sexual tension to bedroom release, you should check out my books, especially the base, Seduction Science Volumes 1-3. Take a look, and see how YOU can consider making out on the dance floor just another step on the way to greater rewards. Derek Vitalio
Check out Derek Vitalio material:
- Derek Vitalio Seduction Newsletter
- Get The Girlfriend
- Blissnosis Master Program
- Seduction Archetypes
- Seduction Science, 3rd Edition
- Seduction Science eBook
- Deep Inner Game Series